Chapter 33 first quarter

Since I went to bed early last night, I woke up earlier today than yesterday, but because Mariko was still holding my hand tightly, I gave up the idea of ​​getting up.I originally planned to sleep for a while, but my head is already awake, so I can only look at the ceiling and recall all kinds of things from yesterday and today. The more I think about it, the more confused I become. It seems hopeless to get an answer. Mariko's hand suddenly moved slightly, and then let go of her fingers.I turned around and saw that she was about to get up. "Ah, sorry, did I wake you up?" "No, I woke up earlier. Early!"

"Oh, good morning to you too." Mariko climbed out of the hospital bed, opened the window to let in the outside air, and asked me if it was cold, "It's okay." I replied. "Look, Kisaragi. The rain seems to be about to stop." Because of the silence outside, I thought the rain had stopped, but unfortunately it hasn't.However, the rain has become quite light. I looked over her shoulder and saw that it was no longer rain covered by thick clouds, but misty rain and mist drifting in the air. "Hey, you can also see the sanatorium from here. The church is covered. Ah, look at the other side, the sky has already revealed its face, Kisaragi, come and see!"

Mariko moved back to leaning out of the window and waved to me excitedly.I went to the window and took a look. It was indeed on the opposite side of the sanatorium. The clouds had cleared far below, and I could see the first light of the morning coming out through the gaps in the clouds. The dawn just carefully let my surroundings Smudged with a red light. Although the ward is on the first floor, because the hospital is built on a slope, the view is very wide.Looking down, what comes into view is the brilliant clouds like dusk.But those colorful colors feel slightly different from the sunset.

"Are you thirsty?" Mariko asked. Although I'm not thirsty, I still want to go shopping and come back. "Can I have the same juice as last night?" I asked. "I want to drink something different." She replied, "But, you can buy whatever you have!" She added in a low voice. I bought coffee milk and Calpis, and handed her two boxes of drinks to choose from.Mariko unsealed the green and white beverage packaging, and handed the brown box back to me.I watched her play with the can of drink in her hand. "I feel as if I'm extremely tired..." She only inserted the straw and did not sip the drink, and murmured in a low voice, "Yesterday, unconsciously, I reviewed my whole life. Probably because of that dream Right! Once a person faces death, what should he confirm? I always feel that this kind of philosophical thinking often emerges.

"It took me only one day to recall my whole life. It's amazing. At this age, I can only vaguely remember all the things in kindergarten and elementary school. I was really happy at that time. The days feel so long, and I can't finish them, but I can't bear to end them. I can only recall these past events lightly in my mind. "After saying goodnight to you last night, I actually couldn't sleep, just kept thinking about these things. However, after thinking about it for so long, I finally realized one thing, that is, my favorite time has long since disappeared. I lost those, And I can't find anything to replace it, watching helplessly as my own life is about to be taken away, it's so tragic."

Mariko's shoulders trembled slightly, and she whimpered softly. "Okay, don't think too much about it." She trembled again when she heard me say it. "Enough is enough! If this goes on, I will only feel more miserable. Because I can't do anything, not even my own death. And the more I think about it, the more miserable I feel. I So busy and working hard, I keep telling myself that this may be another kind of happiness. I don’t even pay attention to how I live my life, but the result I get is like this. I can’t even keep the last shelter. What am I living for? ? Tell me, why? Even if I am going to die, I don’t want to die so painfully, why am I the only one who has to endure such pain? Who will tell me! I hate it, enough! I hate everything!”

Mariko screamed and threw the drink in her hand, the carton flew straight towards the wall, the milky white drink spilled all over the floor, and the carton that bounced back after touching the wall lay on the ground. When I saw her suddenly bursting into emotion, I was terrified and sad at first, and I didn't even dare to look up at her face.I just felt that the sniffling and sobbing sounded like a raging wave. "Sorry." Hearing these words, I finally raised my head. Mariko was lying back on the hospital bed, with her hands on the back of her head, her back to me, her shoulders were still trembling slightly. "I'm sorry." She said again, and then stopped talking.

I squatted down to pack the cartons, then went to the bathroom to find a rag and wiped the area around.Drinks spilled on the tiled floor wiped up in a jiffy. "Can you buy me another bottle?" I was going to ask her, but I didn't.I lightly put the coffee milk I didn't drink on the cart next to the pillow. I sat on the couch and stared at her back.The trembling seemed to have subsided, but it was impossible to tell whether she was asleep or awake.I didn't call her, I just felt so sad.Sitting helplessly, Mariko didn't even move. A sense of powerlessness dominates the whole body.I also understand that what Mariko said is the truth, and I know that I will never truly understand the emotion that prompted her to scream, the feeling of grief and helplessness.No words or actions could help, and the feeling just knocked me down.I can't move, I can't imagine.It wasn't until the harsh light from the window shone into the corner of the ward that I came back to my senses.

I don't know how long it took, but I just sat on the sofa in a daze before there was a small knock on the door. Ogihara, who brought us breakfast, can stop by if he has time today.Mariko sat up, ate breakfast silently, took a few mouthfuls, stopped eating, and turned her back to us.I was also preoccupied and had no appetite, but felt sorry for Ogiwara, so I had to try to swallow food. I thanked Ogiwara for the daily meals and a change of clothes, and he replied that you are welcome and told me the weather forecast.Then he asked about Chiori's situation with concern, and then told me in a low voice that Mariko's condition was up and down and there was no progress.

I glanced out of the corner of my eye, but Mariko still turned her back to this side without any response.After the intermittent conversation, seeing that there was nothing to talk about, there was a knock on the door suddenly. "Oh, Ogihara is here too!" Mirai said while stealing a glance at Ogihara. "I'm going to take Qianzhi's body temperature and then take a bath, so please avoid the boys. Because I didn't help her wipe her body yesterday." Ogiwara and I exchanged glances. "Then I'll go back there first, is there anything else I need help with?"

Future tilted his head, and replied with a heavy expression: "I have something to trouble you, because Dr. Kurano and I don't know how long we will be able to go back today. If the weather clears up, can you help to open the windows of the doctor and my house to let the air circulate? Neither yesterday nor the day before yesterday Open the windows, and the air inside will be hot and humid." "Understood, is there anything else?" "Well, I can't think of anything else right now. If there is, I will call you again. Is there any trouble telling Mr. Fujimoto to ask him to call? That's all for now." Ogiwara left the ward with an empty food box.I sent him out and went to the hall to smoke by myself.Suddenly realized that I was still wearing pajamas, almost like a hospital patient, and couldn't help laughing wryly. But there was nothing he could do except smile bitterly. After returning to the ward, I knocked on the door. "Please come in." Future's voice came from inside. Mariko should have changed into her hospital clothes, but she couldn't see it because she was already under the sheets, "Thank you." I thank the future. "You're welcome, then I'll leave first." The future shook his head and said.Before leaving, she stopped at the door suddenly, turned around and waved to me, "Mr. Kisaragi, are you free? I have something to tell you." She had an almost angry tone. Mariko should have fallen asleep, so I nodded and asked Mirai to wait a while, and I quickly changed my clothes and went there immediately. "What's the matter? Is... Is there any abnormality in Qianzhi's body?" Future still shook his head, "It's not appropriate to stand and talk, can you go to the lobby? At least there are drinks to drink." I just came back from there, but I still followed the future through the corridor to the hall. She didn't say a word along the way, only the soft sound of footsteps side by side in the corridor. "Sit down anywhere!" she said.So we sat down where we were just now. "Is it okay to drink coffee and milk?" Future asked me. "All good." I replied. In the future, I bought two cans of drinks and handed one to me. She just said that it was inappropriate to talk while standing, but she stood herself and refused to sit down for a long time. "There is one thing, I still can't understand the reason." She said it as if she had made up her mind. "What's up?" "Of course I think it's fine as long as Qianzhi is in a stable state. In fact, it has nothing to do with her, but I just care about it very much, and I am very irritable." A bad premonition welled up in my heart, but I didn't react. "Isn't Qianzhi already able to speak? And she speaks very fluently, why hide it from me?" The future stood in front of me, standing aggressively, staring at me from top to bottom. "I didn't think Chiori had any obstacles in the first place. I wonder if you guys have been deceiving everyone since before!" "Did you hear that? The fact that Chiori can speak!" "Are you acquiescing if you don't speak? That's good. The correct answer to this question is YES. After dinner last night, I completely forgot to take a bath for her, so I walked back to the ward, and then I heard Chiori speak The voice. I can't hear what she said through the door, but at least I can hear that her words are all connected together. This is completely different from the way I know her speaking before .I thought to myself what is going on? But I didn't knock on the door then. "Also, before you said that she had menarche, this is definitely a lie. Even if I want to believe it, but sanitary napkins should be wrapped in paper, not thrown in the toilet but thrown into the trash can, why does she not Do you know? Sorry, I only found out about this when I was taking out the trash. Forget it, I'll take it as someone who taught Chiori before. But, at least what I saw Chiori should not only, like this It's a hypothetical thing that I can't understand without a doubt. "If this is the case, then what I just said is all lies. Qianzhi pretended not to be very good at talking and lied to everyone. Of course, I think it is impossible for the child to take the initiative to deceive these things, so unless you instructed him There is no other possibility. Then it dawned on me. I was referring to the "Puppy Waltz" incident. If it was an act, it would be too similar. You actually prepared a set of sayings first, and then Asking Chiori to fold her arms in front of the piano and pretend to be thinking, I was so ecstatic that I was played around like a fool. She knows all these things, right? " "It's not what you think!" "I don't think I'm wrong. However, I don't understand why you did this at all. I heard from Miss Mariko that the thank you gift for this concert is not much, and it's probably just the price of gasoline. So You are definitely not here for money. If it is really for money, there is no need to travel all the way here. Also, I have also seen reports about you published in newspapers a few years ago. If your purpose is to become famous, it is unavoidable. It's too far away, and it won't be effective at all. I am puzzled, and the more I can't figure it out, the more irritable I become. Moreover, I don't have a bad impression of Mr. Kisaragi, so I can only worry about it myself. "Can you explain it well? If it's really what I think, at least it will calm my mood a little bit. I don't want to be upset about such boring things in such a bad situation!" "Not at all!" "However, you concealed the fact that I told Dr. Kurano that Chiori could speak long ago. This is true, right? She is the person involved, and she might lose her eyesight or have other bad conditions. Don't you worry? Even These conditions are hidden from the doctor, you let the child tell such a lie, what is your intention? You say it is not what I think, I think you are completely untrustworthy!" Although Future's tone of voice was calm, it was very sharp.But I couldn't tell right away which facts I could tell her, or which I should keep to myself. "Please. To be honest, I don't have time to worry about such trifles right now. Because you just came here the day before yesterday, and you don't understand how important Miss Mariko is to those of us who live here. It's no wonder. She It's like our mother. The patients and my father have nowhere else to go. I don't believe there is a better place for them to spend their days in peace than this small nursing home. Of course, the main purpose of the nursing center is rehabilitation , the purpose is to help them return to society as soon as possible. But no matter how hard they try, the dead brain cells will not come back to life, and they cannot return to their original healthy state 100%. It takes time to get used to what they have become. It has been quite a long time. It is she and Mr. Fujimoto who are working hard to maintain this place. You know this? They are like parents to this place. Don’t look at Mr. Fujimoto’s optimistic appearance. In fact, he specializes in receiving external pressure, and then desperately digests it by himself, so as not to worry others. People who live here can naturally understand this situation. Although our finances are very tight and the situation continues, he still works hard to protect us. Nursing centers don't give up easily. "The person standing inside and supporting him is Miss Mariko. She took all the dissatisfaction and complaints of the patients, conveyed these things to Mr. Fujimoto for understanding, and then worked hard to improve the areas that can be improved. She always said Those are things she has the will to do, but she doesn't think about her future at all. Even I myself have been influenced by her unconsciously. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I would want to go to nursing school. So, If things go on like this, Miss Mariko is too pitiful. Can you understand my feelings? Can you understand that we don't want to get annoyed by such trivial things now? Maybe I'm a little impatient, but you If these situations happen, shouldn’t I scold you? At least until you give me a reason to accept it. " The future kept staring at me.Probably because she was worried about Mariko, a thin layer of tears flowed from her eyes.I couldn't bear to see it, and decided to tell the whole story. "I will explain the reason to you properly." "Then you'd better give a convincing reason, or I will despise you." "If I really want to say it, I hope I can say it in front of Chiori." "Are you going to let the child defend you?" "No, that's not what I meant. I just meant for her to speak directly to you." Future frowned, "Her?" "You will know after listening." "What's the meaning?" "Here, even if I explain it again, you will not believe it. So, let's go! Let's go back to the ward." I got up and urged the bewildered future, and walked forward, ignoring her yelling "but, but..." behind me, there was a rush of chasing slippers, and the rhythm was quite brisk. "But Mr. Kisaragi—" Mirai repeated "but" again, but he didn't know what to say next. "Trust me, because I really want to explain it well for you to understand." "I'm going in!" I glanced at Future who tilted his head in confusion, and opened the door. There was no response from within.The quilt on the hospital bed was spread out, and there was no one. The wind blew in through the open window, making the curtains swaying non-stop.The rain outside has stopped. "Chiori?" Mirai raised his voice uneasily, but no one answered.The ward was empty. "Could it be that you went to the toilet?" After muttering in the future, he searched around, and soon came back shaking his head. "I went to the men's room, but it wasn't there. Where did he go?" "I have no idea." "Aren't you kidding me?" "I would never do such a thing." "So, where did you go? Did Chiori say anything? Did you say where you wanted to go, or what did you want to see?" I remembered Chiori's appearance in the morning, but I didn't tell Mirai about the situation. "After breakfast, I didn't speak." "Really?" The future listened to me and stared at me suspiciously for a long time. "Okay, I believe you. The only places Chiori knows are this place and the nursing center! But the two of us were in the lobby just now, could it be that she climbed the window and ran away?" Hearing what the future said, I quickly went to the window to check it out. The outside of the window was covered with grass. Although the soil underneath was wet by the rain, it still looked solid. I couldn't tell if anyone had stood on it. "Anyway, I'll call Ogiwara at the nursing center first, and look around the hospital by the way. Mr. Kisaragi, please look around here for a while!" I nodded, and the future walked away quickly. Where would Mariko want to go?I asked myself in the deserted ward.Could it be there?After comparing with what happened in the morning, I strongly feel that she probably wants to confirm her condition!I tried to think back, and even what I didn't say before that seemed suspicious, and I was sure that Mariko must be there. I found the layout map of the hospital on the other side of the gate, confirming the location of the treatment room.It was then that I first saw the complex structure of the building.In addition to the hospital itself, there is also a research facility with a large space.Fortunately, the three centralized treatment rooms are all concentrated on the same floor not far from each other.I suppressed my agitation and tried not to get lost, trying to remember the way I was going. I lowered my footsteps and hurried along the dark corridor, crossing the no-entry sign.The employees are probably still busy working in the research facility, and there is no one around.The air was extremely heavy, and I was almost out of breath by the heavy pressure that hit my face.On the security door, the indicator light with white letters on a green background went on and off.My throat feels unbearably thirsty. I found Mariko's room quickly, because one of the three side-by-side doors, the one directly opposite the fire hydrant's red light, was slightly ajar.I cautiously walked towards the crack of the door to look, and a very ominous premonition suddenly appeared in my heart. I suddenly felt dizzy.The extremely glaring light in the treatment room made the eyes, which had long been accustomed to dim light, stung by the strong light that was probably used for surgery.I blinked hard two or three times before I felt better.However, from where I stand, I can only see a few wires plugged into the wall socket, connected to one end of the bed. I took a breath and slowly pushed the door of the ward open.He called Mariko softly, but no one answered.When I entered the room sideways, I saw Mariko—she was standing next to my body in Chiori's body. Mariko was completely unaware that I had entered, she just stared at me without moving.I took a closer look and saw her right hand resting on top of a machine. The body of the unconscious Mariko was even more heart-wrenching than when she was pushed out of the operating room the day before yesterday.She was lying on the hospital bed, covered under a light green quilt.I glanced at her head, her hair was also covered by a hat of the same color, and her nose and mouth were covered with an oxygen mask to assist breathing.There is some water mist in the transparent oxygen mask.The left and right wrists protrude from the sheet, palms facing up, and several drips and tubes are connected from there.Tubes were tucked under the blanket, and several of them were feeding some fluid like blood vessels. Nothing happened.I stood by the door, not even having the courage to go in, and the girl held her breath, staring straight at her own body.There are only a few monitors around, some are regular, and some are drawing curves messily.It was as if the life of the entire room was only maintained by them, and even the air was lifeless. Only these inanimate voices that shuttle in the silence testify to the continuation of life.My throat twitched again, and the sound of pulling the muscles sounded so loud that I finally broke the silence and spoke. "Mariko..." "Don't come here!" Mariko screamed without looking back. "Go one step further, and I'll tear this off." I stared, and her right hand was tightly grasping the socket connected to the machine. "What are you planning to do?" Although he didn't intend to shout, the words he spoke rushed to the high ceiling and spread down, clanging loudly. "Do as I please! I just, just want to end myself." "Mariko!" "It's enough. I don't want to be unable to fall asleep all the time. I sleep here very peacefully, but I feel the darkness and the shadow of death approaching strongly. Enough, really enough. From just now I Just thinking, if I just take one off, it's all gone. This is my body, I can do whatever I like with it. But, it's annoying, I don't know which one to take off. " "But there's—" "Did you hear me when I told you not to move?" It wasn't until then that she raised her face, her expression was so terrifying that I didn't dare to act rashly.The face of Chiori reflected in my eyes is completely different from the Chiori I know, but the expression seems familiar, and the memory emerges in an instant. It was the evening at that time, reflected in the broken window panes. s face. I am speechless. "Yeah, I've also considered that possibility. If my body dies before midnight tomorrow and before this matter is over, what will happen? Is it me who survives, or Chiori? If I die The one who can definitely disappear is me, so I won't be so hesitant. But... But, I still hope to continue living in the world in another way. "I've noticed it, I've noticed even that, because she can have a baby. No, I can have a baby with this body. Whenever I think about it, I have a glimmer of hope. But In the end, it became more and more difficult for me to tell whether I came here to end myself or to continue my life? It was so ridiculous that I couldn't help crying because I was so sad. I felt stupid and miserable, and I didn't know myself What the hell are you doing?" "Mariko—" "Tell you not to move! How many times do you want me to tell you!" Mariko suddenly let out a shrill laugh.But his eyes were full of tears. "I have never been so miserable, why me? I have been destroyed so badly in the past, do I have to let myself do the ugliest misdeeds in my life before I die? If so, I didn't want to protect him at first. But I remember very clearly. At that moment, I thought that we must protect her no matter what. I can only tell you this proudly. I kept saying to myself, isn’t this result very good? At least that's what I thought until yesterday. "But I really can't bear it anymore, I can't bear it anymore. Do you know how desperately I suppressed myself just now? Do you know how I looked at myself in such a pitiful state? Just come here and end everything , I won’t be in so much pain, and I don’t have to lie here in such misery anymore. That’s right. What I can’t control myself isn’t that Chiori just disappears, but I’m very afraid that I’m really going to disappear in this world .It's because I realized this that I couldn't do it. I really don't know whether I should laugh or cry-don't come here!" As soon as I stepped out with my right foot, Mariko instantly raised her voice, and I heard hurried footsteps approaching from far away. "Mariko, get your hands off of there!" "No! You go out. Leave me alone." The door behind was opened wide, and Dr. Kurano's voice came: "Hey, what are you guys arguing about? Mariko hasn't been allowed to meet yet!" "Mariko, let go." "Get out! No one is allowed to come over." "What nonsense are you talking about?" The wailing girl's screams overlapped with the doctor's bewildered shouts.But the doctor immediately regained his senses and made a decisive judgment. "Qianzhi, you get out of there anyway." The physician slowly approaches her from the right. "Don't come here!" Mariko's attention was suddenly drawn to him, and the doctor took the opportunity to slap her right wrist with a wave.Qianzhi's weight is very light. When she touched her thin shoulder, the doctor flinched instantly. Qianzhi clenched her teeth tightly. When I jumped over with all my strength, she had already swung her right hand vigorously, "poof" There was a heavy sound. "asshole!" The doctor roared and roared.At the same moment, Qianzhi's tiny body suddenly trembled violently, her knees gave way, and she fell forward, and I didn't even have time to help her.The doctor who rushed over reinserted the plug that had been ripped out, and then turned to us. I made Qianzhi lie on her back, her hands were shaking non-stop, her eyes rolled into white eyes. "Squeeze her jaw, it's a seizure. Put your hand in her mouth quickly, or she'll bite off her own tongue." I was stunned, but I followed the doctor's advice.Bubbles of saliva flowed from both sides of Chiori's lips.The doctor hurriedly found a towel, squatted down on the other side, and neatly rolled the towel into a barrel shape and ordered me: "Listen, squeeze her chin tightly, put the towel in and quickly pull out her hand." With the towel stuffed in her mouth, Chiori clenched her jaws surprisingly tightly. "What happened? Doctor, Kisaragi-san—Chiori? So it's here." It was the voice of the future. "It's an epileptic seizure! Hasegawa, please give her a sedative, hurry up!" "Yes, I'll go right away." The doctor who held Chiori down and got up while talking quickly checked the life support machines around the hospital bed, and then heaved a sigh of relief. "Is she all right?" "It seems to be all right. What the girl tore off was the plug of the EKG monitor, and it had nothing to do with the life support system. Did she not touch anything else?" "I guess so!" At this moment, the sound of slippers came back. "Roll up her sleeves." When I nodded and was about to take my hand away from her chin, Future's hand came over to help, and she rolled up Chiori's sleeves according to the doctor's instructions.The smell of disinfectant alcohol permeated, she picked up a piece of absorbent cotton and wiped her upper wrist. After the doctor checked whether there was air in the syringe, she poked the needle into Qianzhi's fair skin. When the needle was pulled out, she only shuddered once, and then the spasm gradually eased, and the force of the clenching of the jaw relaxed. "It's okay, you can let go." After listening to the voice's instruction to let go, her head tilted to one side as if she couldn't bear the weight of her body. "What the hell—what happened? Why are you here?" Mirai picked up Chiori who had not yet regained consciousness, put her head on his lap, stroked Chiori's hair gently, and looked at me and the doctor. "that is because--" "Has she ever had the same symptoms before?" The doctor interrupted me as I was about to speak. "No, at least it hasn't happened in the past eight years." "Well, is that right? That's probably not a seizure. In the future, please take this lady back to her ward and observe her condition temporarily." "But--" "I have something to say to him. I'm sorry to ask you, hey, there should be an empty transport bed in the second room on the right, please carry her up first." Future looked unconvinced, but obediently put Qianzhi down first and prepared to get up to push the hospital bed.I held her down and walked out of the room first.Soon I found the bed that the doctor said, I pushed the bed back to the treatment room, Dr. Kurano and Mirai picked up Chiori and laid her across the bed.The muscles of Chiori's jaw had already relaxed, and the towel she was biting into her mouth had also loosened. "sorry to bother you." "Where, I know." Mirai didn't hide his surprised expression, but immediately sighed helplessly through his nose. "Mr. Kisaragi, you just didn't tell us about Chiori's situation in detail. However, please rest assured and leave it to me, this is this, it's another matter." I nodded slightly to salute, stood in the corridor and watched the future who was pushing the hospital bed leave, and then went back to the treatment room.The doctor checked the condition of the machine again and confirmed the condition of the patient.I didn't dare to call him, I just stood at the door at a loss.The doctor turned immediately to face me. "Okay, what the girl did just now, as long as there is a slight mistake, it is very likely to be sued for criminal responsibility. You know it!" Indeed.I nodded feebly. "Speaking of which, what you just yelled was a little strange. I think you have to explain this point carefully. It's not convenient to talk here, so go talk in my room! I also told the future that I have something to ask her Call the internal number to inform. Also, if she wants to know something, I can ask her clearly and then pass it on to her. It shouldn't matter, right?" "Where, instead, I should thank you." "This sentence is also difficult to understand. Forget it, anyway, come with me first!" I nodded and followed in his footsteps.According to the memory route of the hospital configuration map, I think it should be walking to the research building!There is still a distance.However, during this period, neither of us spoke a word, just like the situation when Cai and Future walked to the lobby. The doctor opened a room with "Kurano" on the door and invited me in.The room looked like a university professor's office, but it was dusty. "This is the room allocated to me, but I hardly use it. It is far away from the ward, and it feels very inconvenient. So there is a musty smell in it, please be patient!" The doctor asked me to sit down while talking, and he himself sat on the chair opposite me.We sat face to face on the brown sofa across a low coffee table. "Okay, what the hell happened, let's hear it! What the hell is that girl trying to do? You should know, right? Also, why didn't you call her Chiori, but Mariko? 'Let go!' I remember You said that to her, shouldn't that be what you said to that girl? What's going on here?" The doctor lit a cigarette.In the ashtray on the coffee table, cigarette butts piled up like a mountain. I don't know where to start.When I decided to explain all this to the future, I intended to say it in front of Mariko herself.But now I'm alone, and the thought of explaining this to another person makes it even more difficult.I think, no matter how I choose what I am about to say, it will probably be difficult to be convincing! I raised my eyes, and the doctor had a dissatisfied and puzzled expression on his face. "What are you going to do? Are you going to keep silent, or not? If you think it would be better for me to ask questions and let you answer them, then do so?" "No, I'll explain. But I can't decide right now where to start." "Here." The doctor handed me a cigarette. "Thank you." I took it and lit the fire.Taking a puff, it feels like today's nicotine has penetrated deeper into my lungs than usual. "Doctor, I asked you about the 'heart' yesterday, right?" "Yes, it was mentioned yesterday." "The so-called heart, can it also be said that it is a thing that can exist apart from the body?" The doctor looked extremely surprised.No matter who hears this kind of words, they will definitely have this kind of reaction. "Is the question you raised related to your explanation?" I nodded silently.The doctor bit his lower lip angrily, leaned back in the chair, folded his arms, and looked at me meaningfully.Then slowly shook his head. "Are you really going to ask me this question? You know what I'm doing here, and you ask me this question on purpose?" "That's not what I meant." This time I shook my head.The other party just stared at me intently, without saying a word. "You explain things clearly first. If I think it is necessary, I can also consider answering the questions you are asking now." I raised my eyes and met his gaze.There was a layer of majesty in his eyes, and at the same time, a layer of deep bewilderment could be seen. "She—the person in Qianzhi's body insists that she is Mariko. And indeed, it is impossible for Qianzhi herself to speak so fluently and orderly." Then, I tried to tell everything I could about Mariko's actions after the accident.Omelet rice, sanitary products; hearing about landslides, worrying about how food will be moved up the mountain; matters of married life; and the whole story until the divorce.I have said all of the above in detail.Then what happened this morning, as well as the conversation between the two in the intensive treatment room, are all told as far as I can remember.The doctor would occasionally close his eyes, but never interrupted or shake his head, just listened carefully to what I had to say. "Then do you believe this?" the doctor with arms crossed asked me. "I believe it. It should be said that I have no choice but to accept this fact. This is my conclusion." "This is not what ordinary people say at all!" Although the doctor said so, his tone did not sound completely negative.I shut my mouth and waited for his speech.After waiting for about three minutes, finally, the doctor let go of his arms and lit another cigarette. "Listen to you, um—dissociation, have you heard of this term?" "No." “那么，多重人格总该有吧？” “这个的话就听过。” “所谓的解离，主要是指在幼儿期的一种精神性的自我防卫的手段之一。当幼儿本身并没有力量保护自己，暴露在极度的紧张或虐待等的暴力之下，周围又没有可以求救的大人时，或者是本来应该救援他的大人——这种情况几乎都是双亲——却反而是虐待行为的施暴者时，会将自己当成是另外的一个人来保护自身的安全。捏造虚伪的人格，将自己肉体上、精神上的痛苦暂时先摆在内心的另一个角落。 “并且还宣称自己不在本身的肉体之中，那个被虐待的肉体并不是自己而是别人。以这种想法来规避自身被伤害的事实。这种行为便是被称为解离。因为对于不懂得如何抵抗暴力的小孩而言，除此之外别无他法了。但是经常使用解离这种方法，慢慢就会出现非本人的虚构人格，而且还会将此人格固定在脑内。原本应该是暂时性的存在，由于不断反复出现，让本身获得了另一种的安定感。这就是所谓的双重人格的状态，如果同样的现象更加重叠，一个人的肉体中出现了三人以上的人格时，则称为多重人格。 “前言大概就说到此为止。扼要地说，解离的现象可说是一种习惯性。如果在无力抵抗、或是求救无门时被反复不断的暴力虐待，非己身的人格支配肉体的时间便会愈来愈长。也就是习惯了将其他的人格暂放在本身的肉体中。简单地说，所谓的多重人格是个人的大脑所引起的疾病。每人的状况等级不同，只要知道这只是一种个人性的阶层就可以了。 “如果你刚刚一连串所说的都是事实，那我倒是可以相信你不是在说谎——我的解释就是这样。千织应该有潜藏性的多重人格。原因恐怕是比在认识你之前还要更早更早以前就有的吧？因为她的双亲客死他乡、而她本人也是那种状态，所以很难不排除这种可能。她的双亲或许不是一对称职的父母，也有可能是因为障碍所形成的因素，不过没有任何资料前我无法乱下断语。 “总之，因为你家的收养，意外地让她的精神能够获得安定，也因此症状才暂时减缓没再复发。人格互换是会潜伏暂眠的一种病症。但是，来到这里后，她却直接面对了极度紧张的状态，也就是那个坠落事件。无法忍耐那种可怕状态的她从己身的肉体窜逃出来，将肉体暂时寄托在自称为某个人名的第二个人格上。而这第二个人格是个原本就说话流利的人物，关于多重人格最常见的是，人格互换具备了补足原本主人的缺点的特性，或许反而可以说，正因为如此才会有人格互换的存在。而且，千织所制造出来的第二号人格，名字碰巧也叫做真理子。 “因此，从前天开始，千织人格里面的真理子，便将跟在这里认识的同名的、叫做岩村真理子的女子视为跟自己是同一人，而千织所知道的一些事，当然第二个人格的真理子也会知道。当然她们彼此之间并不是有所谓的意识性的交流沟通。在多重人格的病例上，有许多都是共有相互的经验，但是记忆的网路则是分别存在居多。不过，总归都是同一个脑子里所发生的现象，所以这样的假设是被认可的。经过像这样的过程后，因为人格互换所产生的自称的真理子，会比本体还更能操着流利的话语，而且坚持自己就是岩村真理子。若是我的想法成立，那么本身或许会被抹杀掉，而且也因为极度的紧张恐惧还导致了癫痫的发作。这么一来应该就合乎道理了吧？” 医师虽这么说，脸上却浮着不可解的苦笑。看起来颇有淡淡的自嘲模样。 “你似乎不太认同我的话！当然这只能说全都是假设的，要证明的话必须经过催眠治疗或脑波测定等，而且也必须经过长期观察才能证实。况且，做了这些检查也无法保证这些就是真的。不过，多重人格症在医学上确实存在。像这种特殊的例子，我也只能如此解释了。” 医师将两手靠在椅背上，缓缓地转动颈脖。然后叹了一口长长的气。然而即使医师已经解释了这么多，我还是无法将事实回归到原点。 医师的说明确实相当有说服力。我回想起千织来到这里后迅即跟真理子异常亲密的模样，而关于楠本夫妻的事，我也没有太多认识可以用来反驳医师的说法。但是心里总有挥之不去的怪异感，那是因为在发言者本身抱持着绝对的确信所说出的话之前，我花了相当长的时间才察觉出事情不见得就是如此。 “如月，这医院的名称你还记得吗？” “唔……我记得应该叫做——” “这里叫做脑化学研究所医院哪！我是这里的职员兼研究员。” 他再度苦笑，将头转向我。 “解明分析大脑的构造组织，就是这个医院的终极目的。你们或许看不出，但是这研究所里有近百名的人员，每天都跟假设与检证其事实朝暮相处，像是哪个领域是借由哪个精神活动才能更加称职地执掌功能、记忆是如何形成的、还有，某神经细胞的遗传性的不同是否会左右个人的个性等。无法用言语道尽，总之，主题是不胜枚举。而那些主题各有几个假设，必须以实验，以及收集并解析实验得来的庞大数据资料。 “那么，最原始的是什么，你知道吗？解析大脑构造后出现的东西，你认为是什么呢？很意外的那就是你之前所说的'心'这个名词。这个名词所在的位置是囊括大脑这个器官内所有进行中的活动。至少以我们的解释是如此。所谓的心，跟大脑这个器官一样都是肉体的一部分。这也就是我们现在正在谈论之事的大前提。” 医师捻熄香烟。 “因此，对于你先前提出的质问，我的回答是'No'。所谓的心是不可能脱离肉体而独自存在的，心这个名词其实也就是表示脑这个器官的活动，至少在医学上的说法是如此。” “可是，现在，真理子的心却是寄居在千织的身体。” 我不禁出言反驳。医师摇了摇头。 “这点我刚刚已说过，无论如何我的说法不会改变。不过，我从来也没强迫你接受我的说法啊！原则上现在所假设的，到底有多少偶然性、或是有一丁点假设成立的可能性，但是构造方面我是最了解不过了。而且千织本身原本就是特殊案例，不合理的部分大概只能指向她所拥有的特殊性吧！” “呼——”医师从鼻子中哼笑了一声，停了一会又继续说： “不过，对我们而言，这近百年来关于大脑器官确实是有飞跃性的进展。因此，对于脑生理学的研究有极大贡献的几位学者，在退休之后也并不承认独立的心，亦即我们所谓的灵魂是存在的。他们确实并没有留下如此主题的话语或见解。” 他忽然拾眼，但是却避开我的视线瞥向一旁。 “唉，结论就是大脑确实是个深不可测的谜，然而上天给予人们解开所有谜团的时间却不太够。连我们这些筒在研究的人员，恐怕也无法在有生之年解开心的员面目。正因有如此的期望，才会努力不懈地持续研究。所以，像这样的发言，如今也只能认为是一件遗憾惋惜的事。 “不过呢，我来说个无聊的题外话吧！话说有位脑科研究者，讽刺的是，妻子却是植物人。身为医师的他，亲自执行妻子的手术，结果却无法救回。在明知无结果之下，还是每天帮宛如活生生的死尸的妻子施打点滴并注射营养剂，擦拭她的身躯。这些就是他每天睁眼后的例行工作。他很幸运还能持续拥有工作并且每天照顾妻子。这些小小的幸运让他感激不已。 “但是半年后他面临了很辛苦的第一个极限。尽管他工作能力很强，而且是个称职的丈夫，但是对于妻子长期的病况感到十分罪恶，每当午夜梦回，每当他回想事故发生的原委，他就自责不已。这些痛苦自责的思绪，原本应当是足以支撑他日常的生活。但是他终日努力不懈却得不到妻子任何的反应，妻子只是徒具消化与排泄功能的活死人。 “某天他情绪终于崩溃了，一心一意只想毁了一切。这样的生活对妻子毫无助益，如果能得到一丁点的进展，他或许还能继续忍耐。但他再也忍耐不下去了，心想把一切全都结束掉算了。虽然他内心并非真的想这样，但是一度涌上心头的执念却没消失。到了第三天，他终于崩溃了。他抱着忏悔的心情对着妻子全盘倾诉出来，这大概长久以来两人第一次单独相处，他一个人自言自语说了好久。当天晚上，他作了个梦。妻子用悲伤的神情一直凝视自己，梦里只有这个景象。 “理所当然，这肯定是他本身那种想停止一切的想法造成的罪恶感，才会在梦里衍生出这种情境，但是他却无法坦然接受这个事实。如果是自己的罪恶感，为什么不是昨晚、也不是之前，而是在自己告诉了妻子之后的今晚才作了这样的梦？他感到万分惊讶，终于真正感受到那是妻子对他哀怨的诉求，他始终无法停止这样的想法。 “他开始萌生了利用物理上不成立的方式，让自己与妻子有所接触联系的想法，而且也不再全盘否定这些方式。几天后发生了一件事。在此之前完全没出现过的妻子，忽然在触摸着她的手时轻轻地传来了力量。似有若无的，刚开始几乎感觉不到的非常细微的力量——” “医师，那是——” 碰巧这时，放在房间角落的电话响了起来。医师起身去接电话，只见他皱着眉头说：“还没吗，我知道了，马上就过去。”然后挂掉电话。 “我们到底谈了多久？” 我看了看手表，大概超过一小时以上了。 “千织仍昏睡不醒，未来有些担心，所以来电告知。她大概也担心我们谈到什么状况了吧！你差不多该回病房了，你应该也很担心她的情况吧！不过到底是哪个她，这我就不知道了。” “医师——” “抱歉，就当作没听到你说的事，我会比较轻松。我们在这里所说的话就当作没发生过，好吗？” “可是，我总觉得不太对。她把只有她自己知道的事情告诉我。” 医师站在电话旁动也不动，我感觉到他欲言又止，但最后还是没有开口说出。我还是想要有人认同、肯定我的想法。 “譬如，医师你说过要跟她以前的夫家联络，她的丈夫是不是叫做后藤先生？” “这件事，除了她本人之外，藤本先生也知道。” “那时候，医师你可曾说出名字？” “搞不好有说吧！” “还有她前夫有三个妹妹。” “喔，这个我就不知道了。” “那请你去问问藤本先生。” “没这个必要吧！”医师边摇头边回答我： “的确，或许这些是你第一次由她口中听到的事——当然我所谓的'她'是指坚称自己是真理子的千织——不过我们却不见得会这么认为。因为我也不知道，你来到这里之后到底跟真理子交谈了什么内容，再说，我也是从未来那里听说，你跟真理子在高中是学长学妹的关系吧？要是如此，我也可能认为你们之间有很多我们所不了解的情报往来！” 医师拍拍哑口无言的我的肩膀，催促着我说：“走吧！” “她不是说，只要你相信就够了吗？那你就相信她吧！很遗憾的，我无法全盘接受这些无法证实的事。不过，只要你努力相信她所说的话，或许她就满足了。真理子所剩下的时间恐怕不太多了。而且，如月，相信他人所言的这件事，对于人脑来说可是很伟大的力量。” 走在他后面，我才发觉，这些是他极力说出的让我能理解的话语。我不知在何时，把手放进口袋将手套握得紧紧的。 满脸讶异的未来站在一旁，看着医师检查千织的瞳孔、听取脉膊，医师结束了听诊与触诊之后表示身体机能并无异常，如果是药效的作用，应该早就清醒了。医师皱了皱眉头，对着护士指示说道：“安全起见，去准备进行PET以及MRI。” 千织被带到别的病房去，大约一小时之后回来了。意识依然没有清醒。 我不知该说些什么，只觉得心里阵阵不安。跟在千织身边的未来小小声地说：“剐刚还没说完的事，等千织醒来再继续无所谓，在那之前我还可以忍耐。”她也是一脸担心。仓野医师也支支吾吾的，“我也不了解现在情况如何。”她像是自言自语般又继续说着。 不久，医师出现了，手上拿着大张的底片。好像是哪里曾看过的X光片。 "how do you feel?" 当然这话不是对着我说，而是对未来说的，医师一面说一面将手上的影图交给未来。 “很正常，或许该说，非常活泼，比起一般人还要活泼。” “没错。事实上，要说这是昏睡中的人的活动模样，我倒是无法认同。” “你要看看吗？”医师边说边将底片递给我。那是皱纹遍布的千织的大脑影图。标示着脑细胞活动的亮点到处都是。所有的部位，全部都闪闪发亮。如果这是表示大脑正在思考，那么，昏睡中的她阖着眼睛到底是在思考些什么？ 仓野医师与未来互看了一眼，两人都是一副无法理解的表情。不过恐怕我比他们还更觉得疑惑且不可思议吧！ ——影图的上面，以前看起来像是月球表面的火山口的轮廓已经完全消失了，反之光点是到处可见。 仍沉睡不醒的千织的脸，痛苦地歪斜着。这是真理子的痛苦？还是千织的痛苦？I have no idea. 雨已停，天气放晴，从窗外照射进来白花花的阳光。已经是下午时分了。沉闷的病房里只有阳光轻快地洒入。我追随着光，才发觉角落里放着一个大概是给我们的午餐盒。