Chapter 56 Section ten

I can probably understand what the future wants to say. If the premise that "the heart can exist independently of the body" is not established, then what happened between Mariko, Chiori, and me cannot be explained.Although the future doesn't know what happened at the church at the end, it doesn't make a decisive difference to our situation. But the more I agree with this premise, the more I feel a dull sense of resistance somewhere in my heart.I thought about it again and again, and realized that this feeling came from ambivalence about my own behavior—verifying the existence of the heart from myself.It feels like a mythical snake devouring itself.

The conclusion is that none of us can escape from ourselves, and, more deeply, we simply cannot know ourselves exactly. When I'm feeling sad, happy, stuff like that, and thinking, there's something going on in my brain that gets carried around by ionized matter.As soon as these charges move, they will affect the surrounding magnetic field, forming brain waves, or capturing things in other ways.In other words, the brain reflects something other than emotion or thinking itself.Indeed, one day, we may be able to grasp the truth of these things, but even assuming that the main body of the heart is the brain, at least for now, it is difficult for us to say that we really fully understand what is going on in the brain.

If you could stand in the center of your brain and look around, the sight might be like a night sky full of shooting stars.But if I could stand there, I'm afraid I'd become something too, not what I am now. Even so, I still continue to live and exist in my own way, and I don’t want to deny it at all, and accept it unconditionally, and it probably hopes to make me understand it in the same way! Just when I was thinking about it, I suddenly realized that Chiori was standing in front of me. "What's wrong?" "I'm going to the toilet. You wait here for me."

"Is it okay to be alone?" "No problem. But you can't run around, or I'll have to look for you everywhere." Chihiro smiled a little shyly.Here's another new look she's had in the past two months. I watched her back as she walked towards the exit, lit up a cigarette, took a sip, and my mind went back to the half-thought just now. What happened to Chiori's head?Can her transformation be said to be a real growth?Even at the end, I still don't understand anything.Only one thing is certain, until Qianzhi no longer needs me and my mother and can be independent, I decided to stay by her side.

Suddenly, a certain lyrics sung by a male singer with a hoarse voice flowing in the store jumped into my mind—— Somewhere between my soul and this soft machine, I found myself again. Because we have a body, we can truly live in this world, but after all, I am the one who lives, and in order to move forward to the fact of living, I must stretch my arms as much as possible.The male singer kept yelling a sentence repeatedly, which didn't sound like English. We are alive, but who keeps us alive?I let this unsolvable question float in my heart and listened carefully to the lyrics. Kyrie Eleison——

Unbelievably, I think this sentence sounds like shouting to someone.